Embedded Files
(Context: Wrote this a long time ago...)
There are swears (sorry)
|ACT I|
|scene i|
-A forest-
<Enter ROGER>
ROGER: Brother?
ROGER: Where have you wandered to?
<Enter DAN>
DAN: Boo!
[ROGER screams]
ROGER: You!
ROGER: I'll have you hanged for this!
[DAN laughs]
DAN: No you won't.
DAN: You couldn't even if I did something worthy of such a death.
ROGER: Of course I could!
ROGER: You are but a speck of dust to me!
DAN: Then why were you yelling "Dan, oh Dan, where art thou, brother, please, I'm lost without you"
[DAN chuckles]
ROGER: Daniel Scott do not make fun of me!
ROGER: I'll have you know that Mother said I am in charge of you today!
DAN: Who cares what Mom says!
DAN: I'm going deeper in the forest.
<Exit DAN>
ROGER: Get back here right now!
<Exit ROGER>
-Deeper in the forest-
<Enter DAN>
[DAN laughs quietly]
[DAN hides behind a tree]
DAN: He'll never find me here.
<Enter ROGER>
ROGER: Brother!
ROGER: Please, we will be in much trouble if you do not reveal yourself!
ROGER: Daniel, please!
[DAN steps forward to scare ROGER]
DAN: Augh!
[DAN's foot gets caught under a root of the tree, causing him to trip]
ROGER: Dan?
[As DAN hits the ground, parts of the dirt start to cave into a hole not previously seen]
[DAN falls into the hole]
DAN: Ahhh!!!
ROGER: Dan!
[The sound of DAN's bones breaking echoes upward]
[ROGER panics, not knowing what to do]
ROGER: Uhh, I'll go get Mr. Smith!
ROGER: Dan, please tell me you're okay!!
ROGER: Oh no, oh no...
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene ii|
-A bedroom-
<Enter EMMA and JOHN>
JOHN: So I said, "yeah right, I bet you don't even have a dog!"
[EMMA chuckles]
JOHN: Anyway, what are doing in your room?
EMMA: I need to get some supplies for our adventure, dumbass!
JOHN: Okay, rude.
JOHN: How much stuff do we even need?
EMMA: Oh, the ignorance of youth, how I wish I could relive those days once more.
JOHN: You are a week older than me.
[EMMA starts taking things from the closet and puts them into her backpack]
EMMA: Flashlight, rope, matches, rations, tent, cooking supplies...
JOHN: Woah, we don't need all that stuff! I have to get back home before 10 you know!
EMMA: John, things don't always go according to plan. It's better to be prepared for anything.
EMMA: You have a knife, right?
JOHN: Uh, my mom said I'm not allowed to have a knife.
[EMMA tosses a knife JOHN-ward]
JOHN: Whoa!!
JOHN: Emma what are doing?! That was incredibly dangerous!
EMMA: First of all, the blade is covered.
EMMA: Second, you were supposed to catch it.
JOHN: Emma I am having second thoughts about this whole thing.
JOHN: This is not what I meant when I said adventure!
[EMMA stands up and closes the closet]
EMMA: I think I have everything we're going to need.
EMMA: Let's head out.
JOHN: Okay...
[A phone vibrates]
[JOHN takes his phone out of his pocket]
[EMMA grabs his arm before JOHN is able to read the phone's message]
EMMA: ...
JOHN: Um, could you let go of me please?
EMMA: John.
EMMA: Remember a month ago?
JOHN: ...
EMMA: You said I could make you do one thing, no questions asked.
JOHN: I shouldn't have said that.
EMMA: This is that thing.
EMMA: You will come with me on this adventure.
[JOHN gulps]
JOHN: I...
EMMA: Give me your phone.
JOHN: What? No, I-
EMMA: I'm not going to look at whatever weird shit's on there, just give it to me.
[JOHN reluctantly hands his phone to EMMA]
EMMA: Thank you, John.
JOHN: Please don't look at my phone.
EMMA: I don't even know the password!
[EMMA turns the phone off and puts it into her backpack]
JOHN: This was a bad idea...
JOHN: I shouldn't have promised you that, arrgh! I'm such an idiot!
EMMA: You're not an idiot, John. You may be a dumbass but you're no idiot.
EMMA: You don't realize how important this will be for you.
JOHN: Can't we do this later, like, when my mom is gone for a few days?
EMMA: We both know it's too late for that, John.
JOHN: Yeah, I know...
[EMMA and JOHN pause]
EMMA: Well, are you ready to go?
JOHN: Sure.
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene iii|
-Outside-
<Enter EMMA>
EMMA: HURRY UP.
EMMA: So goddamn slow.
<Enter JOHN>
[JOHN pants, clearly exhausted]
JOHN: Maybe, I could, go a little faster, if, you didn't, give me, the backpack.
[EMMA laughs]
JOHN: Why are you, laughing?
EMMA: You sound so fucking dumb when you're exhausted!
JOHN: Hey, that's, really mean.
EMMA: Well *sorry* it's so heavy Mr. Princess Babybitch.
EMMA: Seriously, that's like half the weight of my schoolbag.
JOHN: How??
JOHN: This is, the heaviest, thing, I've ever held.
EMMA: Oooh, gonna piss your pants, gonna cry?
JOHN: Shut up!
[JOHN slams the bag onto the ground]
JOHN: Shut up!
JOHN: I hate you when you are like this!
JOHN: I am just trying to make you happy and you insult me, you make fun of me!
JOHN: I do *everything* I can for you and you treat me like garbage!
JOHN: Worse than garbage!
JOHN: You treat me like something you wish was dead!
JOHN: I have disobeyed my mother's direct command and you disrespect me like no other has!
JOHN: Why do you hate me when I try so hard!?
JOHN: Why can't you like me?!
JOHN: Am I too stupid!?
JOHN: Too much of a dumb-A?!
JOHN: Is it because I am just seven darn days younger than you!?
JOHN: Tell me why it is that you hate my guts!!
[EMMA frowns]
EMMA: I was joking, John.
EMMA: And now you really are crying.
[JOHN sniffs]
JOHN: Well it sure as heck doesn't feel like you are joking.
[JOHN sits down in a fetal position]
[EMMA sits next to him]
EMMA: John...
[EMMA puts her hand on his shoulder]
EMMA: I'm really proud of you right now.
[JOHN wipes the tears from his eyes]
JOHN: What do you mean?
[EMMA smiles at him]
EMMA: That was the first time you ever stood up to me.
EMMA: I've made fun of you for so long, and you finally told me how you really felt about it.
EMMA: That's big, John.
[EMMA wipes a tear from her eye]
JOHN: Emma, you're crying?
EMMA: No, I'm not.
[JOHN smiles]
EMMA: I didn't know you were taking me seriously when I said anything mean to you.
EMMA: So, from now on, I promise I'll-
JOHN: You're only going to be nice now?
EMMA: -tell you when I'm joking!
[EMMA laughs hysterically]
[EMMA stands up]
EMMA: Get up, dumbass.
[EMMA winks]
[JOHN smiles and stands up]
JOHN: Hey, what time is it?
JOHN: It's getting a little dark already.
EMMA: Who cares? Let's keep going.
JOHN: Alright.
[JOHN puts the backpack on his back]
EMMA: And, I'll, uh, take the backpack for the rest of the adventure.
[JOHN considers the offer]
JOHN: No, I've got it.
EMMA: You sure?
JOHN: Emma, I'm sure.
[EMMA and JOHN begin walking toward a forest]
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene iv|
-A forest-
<Enter EMMA and JOHN>
EMMA: Here seems like a good spot.
JOHN: What makes it different from any other spot?
EMMA: Ah, the innocence of youth-
JOHN: Okay, whatever, I get it.
[JOHN opens the backpack and pulls out the tent]
[JOHN hands the tent to EMMA]
[EMMA does not take the tent]
JOHN: Uh, aren't you going to set it up?
EMMA: Excuse me?
EMMA: Just because I'm a woman you think that gives you the right to tell me to do what you want?
JOHN: No, uh, I didn't-
EMMA: You sexist piece of shit!
JOHN: ...
EMMA: Lol I'm just fucking with you I'll set it up.
[EMMA starts to set up the tent]
JOHN: Thank you for telling me it was a joke, but still...
JOHN: You are very scary!
EMMA: Awww, thank you!
[A short pause]
JOHN: So, what do you want to talk about?
EMMA: God, you are so awkward.
EMMA: Conversation is meant to flow, dumbass, not be halted by a stupid question like that.
[JOHN frowns]
EMMA: Sorry, I'll try to phrase that better.
EMMA: What I meant to say was:
EMMA: I would like to talk about books, thank you for asking.
[JOHN smiles]
JOHN: I like books! Have you read any good books lately?
EMMA: Yes.
[Another pause]
JOHN: What... are they?
EMMA: Like I would tell you! You're too young to read those books anyway.
JOHN: Again, we are practically the same age.
EMMA: And like always, I speak of your mental age.
JOHN: Oh, and how old am I mentally?
[EMMA pauses to think]
EMMA: I'd say... Maybe eight or so?
JOHN: Riiiight... And how old would you be then?
EMMA: Twenty-three.
JOHN: That answer was instant.
EMMA: Well, I know me a lot better than I know you.
EMMA: I've had twenty-three years to get to know me.
JOHN: Emma, you're fifteen.
EMMA: Eh, I don't see the significance of eight years.
EMMA: We can say those are the eight years you've been alive.
JOHN: Emma, I'm fifteen.
EMMA: What difference does seven years really make though?
JOHN: That's half my life. (3?)
EMMA: Anyway... Books! You read any good ones lately?
JOHN: Yeah, I read one called "Harry Potter".
JOHN: It's about these magical people who-
EMMA: Don't read that trash, dude.
JOHN: What?
EMMA: Oh the innocence... I'll give you some good books after the adventure, okay?
EMMA: *Those books* that you speak of can be treated as firewood from now on.
JOHN: Well, that seems a little harsh, but I guess I'll just have to trust you about this one.
[EMMA smiles]
JOHN: Why... Are you smiling?
EMMA: Because you trust me!
EMMA: I have you under my complete control!
[EMMA winks]
JOHN: I have no idea how to feel about that.
[EMMA stands up]
EMMA: Well, tent's up!
EMMA: I'm going to sleep.
JOHN: Cool, me too.
[JOHN heads toward the tent]
EMMA: Whoa there, pal!
EMMA: Who said you could barge right into my bedroom like that?
JOHN: Oh, I thought, um
EMMA: You're sleeping outside buster!
[JOHN groans]
EMMA: Just kidding, you can sleep with me.
EMMA: I was fucking with you, if you know what I mean.
[EMMA winks]
[JOHN stammers and blushes]
[EMMA laughs]
EMMA: Kidding, kidding!
EMMA: There's lots of room, don't worry.
[JOHN covers his face]
JOHN: How are so convincing?
JOHN: I thought you were being serious.
EMMA: Lol, you wish.
[JOHN enters the tent, still blushing]
[EMMA enters the tent, still laughing]
[EMMA and JOHN lay down in sleeping bags]
EMMA: No funny business while I'm asleep, got it?
JOHN: Got it.
EMMA: I'm being serious about this, John.
EMMA: Don't. Do. Anything.
JOHN: Jeez, you're not my mom.
JOHN: But yeah, I won't do anything.
[A pause]
JOHN: Goodnight.
EMMA: ...
EMMA: Goodnight.
-End scene-
|scene v|
-A tent-
<EMMA and JOHN are seen>
[EMMA snores]
[EMMA slowly awakens]
[EMMA yawns]
EMMA: Huh?
EMMA: Jesus, get off of me, dumbass!
[EMMA pushes JOHN over to his sleeping bag]
[JOHN wakes up]
JOHN: Ow... Hey, did you just push me?
EMMA: No. Why the hell would I do that.
JOHN: Rude way to wake me up.
JOHN: Also, you are a terrible liar.
[EMMA blushes]
EMMA: ...
JOHN: Anyway, I find myself not caring.
JOHN: What are we doing today?
EMMA: More training!
[JOHN groans]
JOHN: When are we going to actually go on this adventure?
EMMA: Today, if you complete your training.
JOHN: Wait, really?
EMMA: Hell yeah man!
EMMA: I found what I was looking for last night, so if you do good today we're going to a really cool place!
JOHN: Heck yeah!
EMMA: I have some bad news though.
JOHN: Oh no.
EMMA: Today will be the hardest training yet.
JOHN: Worse than jumping jack day???
EMMA: Much worse.
JOHN: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
[JOHN screams]
JOHN: Well, what is it?
EMMA: We need to train...
[A sense of dread can be seen in JOHN's eyes]
EMMA: ...your swearing.
[JOHN inhales sharply]
JOHN: GOSH DANG IT!!!!!!!!
EMMA: Follow me.
[EMMA leaves the tent]
[JOHN follows EMMA]
EMMA: Today I will teach you every swearing technique I know.
EMMA: Step one: Learning the words.
EMMA: Repeat after me.
JOHN: Okay.
EMMA: Damn.
JOHN: Darn.
EMMA: Shit.
JOHN: Shoot.
EMMA: Fuck.
JOHN: Fudge.
EMMA: I see. It's worse than I thought.
JOHN: Please doc, tell me what's wrong with me!
EMMA: I have terrible news. This is a disease I have never seen before.
EMMA: But fear not, I believe I know how to cure it!
JOHN: You do?
EMMA: Yes! Just punch me in the face as hard as you can.
[A pause]
EMMA: You seem confused.
JOHN: Yeah, this seems like one of your tricks where you yell at me for doing what you told me to do.
EMMA: You read me like a damn book, John.
EMMA: Like a goddamn book.
EMMA: Just do it anyway.
JOHN: Okay...?
[JOHN moves his fist to EMMA's face]
EMMA: That was the shittiest punch I have ever witnessed, John.
JOHN: Sorry, I just don't want to hurt you!
EMMA: The same can't be said for me.
JOHN: Emma? What do you mean?
[EMMA punches JOHN in the face with all her power]
JOHN: KICKING CHRIST IN A DIRTY DIAPER!
EMMA: That's... Better. I guess. You still didn't swear though.
JOHN: Emma, I'm bleeding! What is wrong with you!
EMMA: Oh get over it, crybaby. I didn't even break your nose.
EMMA: I'm afraid I can't cure you. I really tried, John.
EMMA: I really tried.
JOHN: Can I go get the first-aid kit?
EMMA: Sure.
[JOHN goes back in the tent]
EMMA: I REALLY THOUGHT THAT WOULD WORK.
JOHN: You don't have to yell, I can still hear you.
EMMA: Oh.
EMMA: How come you didn't swear even when I hit you?
JOHN: I dunno. I just don't swear.
EMMA: Well, I guess this means we can't go on the adventure.
[JOHN exits the tent with a band-aid on his face]
JOHN: Oh cool, so I can go back home now?
[EMMA facepalms]
EMMA: Dumbass...
JOHN: What did I do?
EMMA: You were supposed to swear just then, when I said you couldn't go on the adventure!
EMMA: I thought you were having fun, I didn't know you wanted to leave me. Here, I mean.
[JOHN laughs]
JOHN: Lol, I'm just fucking with you!
[JOHN smiles]
EMMA: I would make a joke about how that's terribly inappropriate, but I'm too happy right now!
JOHN: ADVENTURE TIME!!!!!!!!
EMMA: Hell. Yes.
JOHN: So, where are we going?
EMMA: Grab the backpack and follow me.
[JOHN goes into the tent, grabs the bag, and exits]
EMMA: Follow me!
JOHN: Sure thing!
[EMMA leads JOHN to a tree]
EMMA: Look at this gaping hole.
JOHN: Are we going down there?
EMMA: No, we're going to climb this tree.
EMMA: Of course we're going down the mysterious hole, dumbass!
JOHN: Okay, I'll get the rope.
[JOHN ties the rope to the tree and throws the other end down the hole]
EMMA: Nice work.
JOHN: Wow, that's deep...
EMMA: It's tight too.
JOHN: ???
JOHN: Well, I'm going down!
EMMA: Hell no, you'll just look up my skirt if I go second.
EMMA: You fucking pervert.
JOHN: Emma, you have worn jeans every single time I've seen you.
EMMA: So???
JOHN: Never mind, you go first, your Highness.
[EMMA climbs down the rope]
<Exit EMMA>
JOHN: Here goes nothing!
[JOHN climbs down the rope]
<Exit JOHN>
-End scene-
|ACT II|
|scene i|
-A cave-
<Enter EMMA>
[EMMA reaches the bottom of the hole]
EMMA: HEY! MADE IT TO THE BOTTOM!
EMMA: ...
EMMA: Shit, he can't hear me.
EMMA: HEY TINY PENIS! COME DOWN HERE!
[EMMA laughs]
<Enter JOHN>
JOHN: I could hear you, you know.
EMMA: Um, yeah, I knew that. Duh.
[JOHN reaches the bottom of the hole]
JOHN: Do you know how hard that was with the backpack on?
EMMA: Do you know how hard my DICK is???
[JOHN sighs]
JOHN: Emma, that isn't even that funny.
JOHN: Why are all of your jokes like that?
EMMA: At least my jokes are funnier than the bullshit you think is funny.
JOHN: Night Court is a hilarious show and I would rather die than admit otherwise.
EMMA: Yeah right, fuck you.
JOHN: ...
JOHN: Not going to make a joke about that?
EMMA: I don't go for low-hanging fruit.
EMMA: Unless it's your BALLS!
[EMMA laughs]
JOHN: Could you be serious for a second?
[EMMA rolls on the floor in a fit of laughter]
EMMA: Ew, what the fuck?
JOHN: What is it?
EMMA: There's blood on the ground here.
EMMA: This was my favorite shirt too...
EMMA: I guess I'll have to take it off...
JOHN: Shut up.
JOHN: I am starting to regret this adventure more and more with each lewd joke you make.
EMMA: Aww come on, it's really funny!
JOHN: It just makes me uncomfortable!
EMMA: You suck...
JOHN: Don't.
EMMA: Fine. No more sex jokes today.
JOHN: Are we even going to talk about the fact that you just rolled into a pool of blood?
EMMA: Why would we? Someone probably just fell down here and died.
EMMA: Nothing special about it.
JOHN: How can you just say something like that?
EMMA: Oh the in-
JOHN: Don't.
[EMMA frowns]
EMMA: That one wasn't even remotely sexual!
EMMA: And when did you start bossing me around anyway?
EMMA: That's no fun.
JOHN: Whatever, let's just go in this cave.
EMMA: Sure.
[EMMA and JOHN enter the cave]
EMMA: Damn, it's dark as hell in here.
EMMA: Get the fucking flashlight, dumbass!
JOHN: You just swore four times in two sentences.
EMMA: You got a fuckin' problem with that?
JOHN: I'm just saying, it's a little excessive.
JOHN: Remember when you were nice to me for a day?
EMMA: Yeah, well that was before you started giving me all this sass.
[JOHN turns on the flashlight]
EMMA: Holy shit what the fuck is that?!
[A giant roach crawls toward EMMA and JOHN]
<Enter BLUMMY>
[JOHN screams]
BLUMMY: Hi there!
[EMMA and JOHN scream]
BLUMMY: Why are you screaming?
JOHN: Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a-a-a huge bug!
BLUMMY: Yep! They call me Blummy down here, keeper of the-
JOHN: EMMA KILL IT!
JOHN: SEND THIS THING TO HELL!
BLUMMY: Oh, there's no need to-
[EMMA pulls out a knife and stabs BLUMMY over and over]
[BLUMMY screams]
[Blood sprays all over EMMA and JOHN]
[Everyone screams]
[A pause]
[BLUMMY was slain]
EMMA: What the fuck did I just do.
JOHN: You killed it.
EMMA: Why did I just do that.
JOHN: Because it was attacking us?
EMMA: You know, I don't think it was about to attack us, John.
EMMA: In fact, it seemed friendly.
JOHN: Oh shoot.
JOHN: I mean, shit.
EMMA: I think I just killed an innocent man, John.
JOHN: Emma, I think you may be right about that.
EMMA: Fuck.
<Enter police>
police officer 1: Put your hands up!
[A large caterpillar points a gun at EMMA and JOHN]
[A large centipede puts handcuffs on EMMA and JOHN]
police officer 2: Your gonna be in biiig trouble for the shit you just pulled, you alien bastards!
[The two bug officers take EMMA and JOHN away]
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene ii|
-A cell-
<Enter MUBULD, EMMA, and JOHN>
MUBULD: In here, you damn freaks!
[MUBULD tosses EMMA and JOHN into a cell]
MUBULD: And don't even think about tryin' to escape, you little shits!
MUBULD: I'll fuckin' rip your heads off! I'll eat you fuckers!
<Exit MUBULD>
EMMA: Oh no, there's only one toilet in this cell!
EMMA: You're going to have to watch me pisssssss!!!
JOHN: Emma, now isn't the best time for jokes.
EMMA: Nooo, John, stop watching me shoot poopies!
JOHN: ...
JOHN: Shut the fuck up, Emma!
[EMMA shuts up]
JOHN: I'm tired of you thinking this is all some fucking joke!
JOHN: Why can't you take this shit seriously?!
JOHN: ...
JOHN: It's just... this sucks.
JOHN: And you're laughing about it.
JOHN: You're laughing during the worst time of my life.
EMMA: You're not having fun...?
JOHN: How the FUCK could I be having fun at a time like this!?
JOHN: Are you crazy?!
JOHN: Are you okay in the head?!
EMMA: ...
JOHN: Are you fucking stupid or something?
EMMA: I think you're being serious.
JOHN: DING DING DING!!! Congratulations, you're not a complete failure of a human being!
JOHN: Of course I'm being fucking serious!!
JOHN: I think there is something wrong with your brain!
[A pause]
EMMA: John, that was very hurtful.
JOHN: Oh, that must hurt!
JOHN: How does it feel?!
JOHN: Getting yelled at over and over?!
EMMA: ...
EMMA: John, you are starting to upset me.
JOHN: Oh *REALLY*??? HMMMM I WONDER HOW THAT FEELS.
EMMA: ...
EMMA: John you are being an asshole to me right now.
EMMA: You know this isn't how I treat you.
JOHN: OH, IT ISN'T?!?!?!
JOHN: BECAUSE I QUITE CLEARLY REMEMBER YOU DOING THIS!!
[JOHN punches EMMA as hard as he can]
[Blood drips from EMMA's mouth]
EMMA: You piece of shit.
JOHN: What?!
EMMA: You're just being a bully now. You don't have anything to prove.
JOHN: So fucking what? You never have!
EMMA: I think I hate you, John.
JOHN: I think I hate you too!!
<Enter officer>
officer: The trial is starting in ten minutes. Follow me.
[EMMA follows the officer]
[JOHN follows the officer]
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene iii|
-A courtroom-
<JUDGE, FEENY, PAYIN, gallery members, and officers are seen>
<Enter EMMA and JOHN>
JUDGE: Court is now in session for the trial of Ema and Jon.
JUDGE: Is the prosecution ready?
PAYIN: Yes, your Honor.
JUDGE: Is the defense ready?
FEENY: The defense, is, uh, ready, your Honor.
JOHN: (I have a bad feeling about this.)
EMMA: (Shut up!)
JUDGE: Please, no interruptions from the defendants.
JUDGE: The prosecution may now deliver its opening statement.
PAYIN: Earlier today, at 6:12 AM, our very own keeper of the keys, Blummy, was murdered.
PAYIN: Blummy's body was found when two officers had checked the entrance of the city.
PAYIN: This is how we were able to know the time of death exactly: because the officers caught the murderers at the scene of the crime!
gallery member 1: oh my god.
gallery member 2: holy-
gallery member 3: that's crazy
JUDGE: Order in the court! Order!
JUDGE: Please continue, Mr. Payin.
PAYIN: The two criminals were arrested immediately, preventing any tampering of the crime scene!
PAYIN: An open and shut case, for certain.
JUDGE: The prosecution may now call its first witness to the stand.
PAYIN: I call one of the officers who discovered the crime scene to the stand.
<Enter BUMER>
PAYIN: Mr. Bumer, I would like you to testify about what you saw earlier today.
BUMER: Sure thing, pal.
{WITNESS TESTIMONY}
BUMER: Well, today was a pretty regular day.
BUMER: Except for the whole murder thing.
BUMER: Yeah, I saw those shitholes over there kill Blummy.
BUMER: I remember the number of stabs I saw exactly: 13.
BUMER: After that, I arrested them on the spot.
FEENY: Dammit! That testimony was perfect!
PAYIN: Feeny, you fool! You never had a chance of winning!
JUDGE: The defense may now begin its cross-examination.
FEENY: Cross-whatchamacallit? What's that?
JUDGE: This had better be an ill-timed joke, defense.
FEENY: No need to worry, your Honor! I know what I'm doing!
JOHN: (He has no clue, does he?)
EMMA: (Shut the fuck up!)
{CROSS-EXAMINATION}
BUMER: Well, today was a pretty regular day.
FEENY: HOLD IT!
FEENY: Today was most certainly not a regular day!
FEENY: Or are you saying you did not witness the murder!
BUMER: ...
PAYIN: Mr. Feeny, I believe the witness was just about to get to that.
PAYIN: There is no need to press every little statement he makes.
FEENY: Oh, uh, my bad!
BUMER: Except for the whole murder thing.
BUMER: Yeah, I saw those shitholes over there kill Blummy.
FEENY: HOLD IT!
FEENY: Mr. Bumer, there is no need to swear in a court of law!
BUMER: I'll do as I damn please, defense attorney.
FEENY: Whoops!
BUMER: I remember the number of stabs I saw exactly: 13.
FEENY: OBJECTION!
FEENY: Take a look at the autopsy report.
FEENY: As you can clearly see, the number of times the victim was stabbed was...
FEENY: 23!
FEENY: Ergo, you are lying!
PAYIN: OBJECTION!
PAYIN: The witness stated that he had seen 13 stabs, not that there were only 13!
PAYIN: It is possible the witness merely missed the first 10!
FEENY: So you are saying the actual moment of the murder was not witnessed?
PAYIN: I suppose so, yes.
FEENY: TAKE THAT!
FEENY: It was you, Mr. Payin, who said it was not possible for the crime scene to be tampered with.
FEENY: But how could you know that, if the moment of the murder was not seen!?
gallery member 4: wow, he's got a point
gallery member 5: he could be onto something here
gallery member 6: cool
JUDGE: ORDER, I WILL HAVE ORDER!
JUDGE: Mr. Payin, what are your thoughts on the matter?
PAYIN: Well, uh, you see...
PAYIN: I would like the witness to testify about the possibility of the crime scene being tampered with!
JUDGE: The witness will now testify.
{WITNESS TESTIMONY}
BUMER: The crime scene was not tampered with.
BUMER: You can tell because of the time of death: 6:12 AM.
BUMER: When the autopsy came back, it matched the time I arrived almost exactly!
BUMER: Therefore, there was no time for the crime scene to be messed with.
FEENY: Another perfect testimony...
FEENY: I'm done for! I don't have anything!
PAYIN: Giving up already Mr. Feeny? A wise decision.
{CROSS-EXAMINATION}
BUMER: The crime scene was not tampered with.
BUMER: You can tell because of the time of death: 6:12 AM.
FEENY: HOLD IT!
FEENY: How is it that the time of death is found?
BUMER: The body cools down at a steady rate once it dies.
BUMER: If you can measure its temperature quick enough, you have an accurate guess of when it died.
FEENY: (Think Feeny, think! Do I have anything that helps me here?)
FEENY: TAKE THAT!
FEENY: I present: The pool of blood found at the crime scene!
PAYIN: Hah! You are just presenting random pieces of evidence now. How could that possibly help you?
FEENY: I'll show you.
PAYIN: Huh?
FEENY: Earlier, when I investigated the crime scene, I licked this pool of blood.
FEENY: It tasted like strawberries.
FEENY: This is because it was not blood at all, but strawberry juice!
FEENY: Judging by the fact that it did not yet evaporate, it must have been in a solid state at the supposed time of the murder.
FEENY: In fact, I believe it was used to cool the body, to make the time of death appear earlier!
FEENY: Using this fact, I believe we can find out who the true murderer is!
PAYIN: This can't be happening!
FEENY: (Who is the murderer?)
FEENY: TAKE THAT!
FEENY: Mr. Bumer, empty your pockets right away!
FEENY: Look, a strawberry! This proves your guilt!
BUMER: What the hell!? That wasn't there before! I didn't do it!
FEENY: Mr. Bumer killed the victim AFTER he arrested the suspects to get away with murder!
FEENY: Then, he used his frozen strawberry juice to alter the time of death!
FEENY: Ergo!
FEENY: Mr. Bumer is guilty of murder!
JUDGE: I must say that is quite decisive evidence. Does the prosecution object?
PAYIN: Uh, um, uh, uh...
JUDGE: I see.
JUDGE: I will now render my verdict.
JUDGE: This court finds the defendants...
{NOT GUILTY}
JUDGE: Court is adjourned!
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene iv|
-Outside the courthouse-
<Enter EMMA and JOHN>
JOHN: What the actual hell.
JOHN: We did it though.
JOHN: I don't really feel good about this.
EMMA: ...
JOHN: Hello?
[EMMA takes a deep breath]
EMMA: Why are you acting like I give a single shit about what you say.
JOHN: Hey, I'm sorry about the things I said earlier.
JOHN: I was really stressed out, okay?
EMMA: So what you're saying is you didn't mean what you said?
JOHN: Exactly! I'm really sorry!
[EMMA glares at JOHN]
EMMA: I meant what I said.
[JOHN gasps]
JOHN: You... You don't mean that.
EMMA: I hate you, John.
[JOHN tears up and runs away]
<Exit JOHN>
EMMA: Goddammit, I am such a foolish shit!
EMMA: Why the hell did I think that would be good?
EMMA: What about our friendship did I not get?
EMMA: Apologize immediately, I should.
EMMA: But then again, he was a huge asshole.
EMMA: Maybe I should not be so nice to him.
EMMA: Perhaps to him I shall not just console.
EMMA: For he could not even pass his prelim!
EMMA: Yes, I have decided what I will do.
EMMA: This adventure shall soon be at its end.
EMMA: And then I will show him what is so true.
EMMA: I will tell him that he is not my friend!
EMMA: Yes, that will hurt in a most painful way.
EMMA: Our friendship shall be at its end today!
EMMA: ...
EMMA: Did I just speak a sonnet?
EMMA: Eh, who cares.
<Enter PUMLR>
PUMLR: Hello, little girl!
EMMA: You are a beetle.
PUMLR: And you are a strange dough person! I don't see the significance.
PUMLR: Anyway, the king would like to see you immediately.
EMMA: Tell him I'm leaving as soon as I find John.
PUMLR: I'm afraid you do not understand!
<Enter guards>
PUMLR: This is a command, not an invitation!
EMMA: Whatever, I'll come.
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene v|
-The throne room-
<KING and guards are seen>
<Enter SLYMN and JOHN>
SLYMN: Here he is, Holy One.
[KING grunts]
JOHN: Oh, I didn't realize you would be a human too.
[KING looks away from JOHN]
JOHN: Um... holy, one? Why was I called here?
guard 1: It has been many years since a human has fallen into our kingdom.
guard 2: The Holy One has spent many lifetimes trapped here.
guard 3: The only way out is with seven human souls.
guard 4: We have gathered six thus far.
JOHN: Oh, okay! I'll just give you my soul.
[The guards look at each other, wondering what to say]
KING: I'm afraid it's not that simple.
[The guards gasp at the sound of KING's voice]
KING: To give one's soul... Is the same as giving one's life.
<Enter PUMLR and EMMA>
[PUMLR throws EMMA to the ground]
PUMLR: This is a troublesome one, Holy One.
JOHN: Emma, are you okay?!
EMMA: Shut the fuck up.
KING: I see...
KING: Humans, I am faced with a difficult problem.
KING: Which one of you to kill.
EMMA: Kill him.
JOHN: Emma! What the heck?!
KING: This will not be a choice I make, however.
KING: It will all be up to you two.
JOHN: What do you mean?
KING: You two will compete in the annual Super Game Epic Fun Time event!
[JOHN looks around]
JOHN: And... what does that mean?
KING: You will see... You. Will. See.
-End scene-
|ACT III|
|scene i|
-The SuperGameEpicFunTimeZone-
<A crowd is seen>
<Enter GULPY>
GULPY: Hello everyone!
GULPY: Today we have something very special!
GULPY: Two unholy ones have fallen into our kingdom.
GULPY: The winner will join our ranks as an epic gamer, while the loser...
GULPY: Well, you know what happens to the loser.
GULPY: Let the games begin!
[A horn in heard]
<Enter EMMA>
<Enter JOHN>
JOHN: Emma... We have to find a way to get out of here!
EMMA: I don't have to do shit.
[Three notes are played on the horn]
[The crowd starts chanting]
crowd: Kick their ass!
crowd: Kick their ass!
crowd: Kick their ass!
JOHN: Emma, um, please don't-
[EMMA beats the shit out of JOHN]
EMMA: You fucking deserve this!
JOHN: OW! Jesus Christ!!!
[JOHN curls up in a ball on the floor]
[Eight notes are played on the horn]
[The crowd starts chanting]
crowd: Do a dance!
crowd: Do a dance!
crowd: Do a dance!
[EMMA continues hurting JOHN]
GULPY: Contestant number 1! You are losing points for not switching tasks!
EMMA: You think I fucking care?
EMMA: I'll kick your ass if you don't shut up!
[GULPY does as his name suggests]
[JOHN cries as he continues to get his ass kicked]
JOHN: Emma... Please stop...
JOHN: I don't know how to convince you, but I really am sorry!
[EMMA kicks JOHN's face]
JOHN: FUCK!!! OW!
JOHN: You just broke my fucking nose, asshole!
JOHN: You are a real piece of shit, you know that!?
[Six notes are played on the horn]
[The crowd starts chanting]
crowd: Eat your pants!
crowd: Eat your pants!
crowd: Eat your pants!
[JOHN's body goes limp]
JOHN: I give up.
[EMMA stops beating the shit out of JOHN]
[EMMA frowns]
EMMA: Oh come on, where's the fun in that?
JOHN: FUN?!?!? YOU ARE STILL HAVING FUN????????
EMMA: I mean, yeah, that's the whole point of adventuring.
EMMA: Wait, you're not having fun?
JOHN: ?!?!?!?
EMMA: Oh my god, wait, you didn't like it when I hurt you?
JOHN: Fuck no!
EMMA: Oh shit! I thought you were into that stuff!
JOHN: That raises some strange implications about your actions.
[EMMA blushes]
EMMA: Shut up.
JOHN: Okay, so that answers why you kept hurting me so much, but why are being so mean to me in general?
EMMA: I mean come on dude, obviously I was pretending!
EMMA: You're my best friend, John!
JOHN: I-
JOHN: Why are you such a confusing person?!?!?!?!
JOHN: Will I ever understand you?!?
EMMA: Hell no, dumbass!
JOHN: So what you're saying is... We're still friends? All that mean stuff was fake?
EMMA: Of course.
JOHN: Oh.
JOHN: Well now I really feel like a dumbass!
EMMA: Don't worry, you are one!
JOHN: Somehow, you calling me a dumbass... Is really comforting?
[EMMA and JOHN chuckle]
GULPY: Um, guys, if you don't start playing the game, the Holy One is going to be really mad at you!
[JOHN looks at EMMA]
JOHN: Wanna fuck this guy up?
EMMA: Hell yeah.
[EMMA and JOHN beat the shit out of GULPY]
-End scene-
|scene ii|
-A hole in the ground-
JOHN: Quick!
<Enter JOHN>
<Enter EMMA>
JOHN: Cover it up!
<EMMA covers the hole>
JOHN: What did you get?
EMMA: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
JOHN: Shut up, look.
[JOHN pulls out two cans of beans from his pockets]
EMMA: Hell yeah.
[EMMA opens her bookbag and takes out four frozen pizzas]
JOHN: Holy shit, how did you get that much stuff?
EMMA: I have my ways of "convincing" others.
JOHN: You just beat up whoever was holding these didn't you.
EMMA: Maybe.
[EMMA starts to prepare a pizza]
JOHN: Ugh, you always cook pizzas for too long.
JOHN: Can't I make it this time?
EMMA: I will continue to overcook pizza just to spite you.
JOHN: Okay, fine, whatever.
[A pause]
EMMA: I think pizza is a pretty funny name.
JOHN: What's so funny about it?
EMMA: It sounds like pee za!
EMMA: Like if someone pissed all over it to make it.
EMMA: Lol, you'd like that wouldn't you.
[JOHN hides his face]
EMMA: Wait, really?
EMMA: Oh my god, you're a piss guy?
EMMA: Holy shit that's hilarious.
[JOHN blushes greatly]
EMMA: This is the most embarrassed I've ever seen you.
JOHN: Of course I'm embarrassed!
[JOHN gets into his sleeping bag face down]
[EMMA chuckles]
EMMA: I don't see why you should be so embarrassed, though.
EMMA: I mean, it could have been something way more disgusting!
JOHN: Yeah right, like what?
EMMA: Like the shit I'm into, duh. And I'm not telling you, you're too young.
JOHN: Okay, fair enough.
JOHN: Do you ever think about the fact that we're saying wildly inappropriate things?
JOHN: Like seriously, we're both way too young to be thinking about this stuff.
EMMA: Well, you're too young. It's perfectly natural for me though.
JOHN: Oh shut up, you're worse about it than I am.
JOHN: But if my mom knew I was saying any of these, I'd be in so much trouble.
EMMA: Wouldn't it be fun to do things that would make her even more upset?
JOHN: What are you implying?
[EMMA gets into JOHN's sleeping bag and holds him]
EMMA: You know what I mean.
JOHN: Emma, I don't feel comfortable with this.
JOHN: You're taking the joke a little too far.
[EMMA frowns]
EMMA: What if it's not a joke?
[JOHN stutters]
JOHN: Emma, please tell me you're joking.
[EMMA gets out of the sleeping bag]
EMMA: sure, yeah. it was a joke.
JOHN: Whew, I was actually getting nervous there!
JOHN: You are way too good at pretending!
EMMA: uh huh. thanks.
JOHN: Are you going to eat that pizza?
EMMA: you know what, im not hungry all of the sudden. you can have it.
JOHN: Oh, thanks!
EMMA: youre welcome.
[EMMA gets in her sleeping bag while JOHN eats the pizza]
JOHN: So, do you have any plans on how to get out of here?
EMMA: im kind of tired now john, i dont want to talk right now.
JOHN: Oh, okay...
JOHN: Well, goodnight!
EMMA: ...
JOHN: Um... goodnight?
EMMA: ...
JOHN: Okay...
-End scene-
|scene iii|
-The hole-
<EMMA and JOHN are seen>
JOHN: Do we have everything?
EMMA: I... Think so.
JOHN: Alright then, let's go.
EMMA: ...
EMMA: I'm nervous, John.
EMMA: I'm... not sure if we're going to survive.
JOHN: That's a big part of adventures.
JOHN: The uncertainty.
EMMA: That was... surprisingly profound, John.
EMMA: Still nothing compared to my skills, of course.
JOHN: How humble.
EMMA: Fuck off.
JOHN: Wait, remember to set off the explosion!
JOHN: I can't believe we almost forgot!
EMMA: You were the one who forgot, John.
[EMMA grabs a walkie-talkie and speaks into it]
EMMA: Agent 413, do you hear me?
Agent 413: Loud and clear.
EMMA: We have a code 69, I repeat, a code 69.
Agent 413: Alright, activating the bombs now.
[The ground above shakes]
[Many footsteps can be heard]
EMMA: Wow, that's a lot more people than I thought.
[The footsteps stop]
EMMA: Alright, let's get out of here!
JOHN: Sure thing!
<Exeunt>
-End scene-
|scene iv|
-Cave entrance-
<Two guards are seen>
<Enter EMMA and JOHN>
guard 1: Who goes there?
EMMA: Get him, John!
guard 2: Huh?
[At this point, you can imagine how the fight goes. There are knives and swords and a bunch of other shit]
[Hell, remake it in D&D if you want]
[Anyway EMMA and JOHN win]
JOHN: That was surprisingly easy.
EMMA: Yeah, what can I say, we're good at murder!
JOHN: We sure are!
EMMA: Okay this might sound weird, but is it okay if I could taste some of this blood?
JOHN: That is very weird, but I'm fine with it.
EMMA: Cool.
[EMMA wipes her finger on one of the corpses and licks the blood]
EMMA: BLUH!
EMMA: That's gross as hell!
JOHN: Who could have guessed??
EMMA: Okay, douche.
JOHN: You know, now that we've finally made it back, I kind of don't want this adventure to end.
EMMA: Awww, just because you said that, I'll climb up the rope first, to give you a good view.
JOHN: What the fuck are you talking about?
EMMA: Never mind.
[EMMA climbs up the rope]
<Exit EMMA>
JOHN: Well, that was a cool cave.
JOHN: I liked the big bugs.
JOHN: Well, I killed a lot of them so I guess I didn't like them that much.
JOHN: Anyway, cool adventure, 10/10.
[JOHN climbs up the rope]
<Exit JOHN>
-End scene-
|scene v|
-The forest-
<Enter EMMA>
<Enter JOHN>
EMMA: Well, are you glad you came with me?
[EMMA tries to hold in a laugh]
JOHN: I know you're making a joke right now, but I really did enjoy that adventure!
JOHN: Damn, how many weeks were we down there for?
EMMA: Lol, let's check your phone.
JOHN: Um... Emma, my phone probably died a long time ago.
[EMMA takes JOHN's phone out of her backpack, and turns it on]
JOHN: Wait, what?
EMMA: Let's see... Oh! It's almost 10, John!
JOHN: ???
EMMA: You gotta get home right away!
[EMMA hands JOHN's phone to him]
JOHN: But what about the... what?
JOHN: Like a month?? I- what?
EMMA: I was *pretending*, dumbass!
EMMA: We were only down there for about an hour.
[JOHN stammers, looking for how to express his confusion ]
[EMMA pushes JOHN towards his house]
EMMA: Hurry up John!
JOHN: Okay, I'm going!
[JOHN runs toward his house]
EMMA: Love ya!
<Exit JOHN>
[EMMA lays down in the grass, looking up at the sky]
[EMMA sighs, relieved]
-End scene-
|EPILOGUE|
-JOHN's dining room-
<JOHN and MOM are seen>
MOM: So, did you have fun with your friend today?
JOHN: Yeah.
MOM: Tell me what you did.
JOHN: Well, we went in the fore-
MOM: Oh, honey, what happened to your nose?
[JOHN puts a finger up to his nose to feel it]
JOHN: (Wait, didn't Emma break my nose?)
JOHN: (Why does it feel... normal?)
JOHN: Oh yeah, I just, feel.
MOM: Are you okay?
JOHN: I'm fine, Mom.
MOM: Oh honey I'm so proud of you. Just a few days ago, you would be bawling at an injury like that!
JOHN: What do you mean, that's nothing. It's not like it broke or anything.
[MOM smiles]
MOM: You know, maybe I will let you go on more "adventures" after all.
MOM: I was skeptical about that Emma before, but she seems nice after all.
JOHN: Oh, thanks Mom!
JOHN: Done with dinner, can I go to my room?
MOM: Okay.
<Exit JOHN>
-End scene-
-JOHN's bedroom-
<Enter JOHN>
[JOHN stubs his toe on his bed]
JOHN: Shit!
JOHN: (Oops, I gotta remember to stop swearing now.)
[JOHN hops into bed]
[JOHN sighs, relieved]
[JOHN's phone vibrates]
{CHATLOG}
E: hey u up
J: Yeah, what is it?
E: i had an idea for our next adventure
J: Jeez, can't we take a break?
J: We just finished this one.
E: hell no
E: we got shit to do
J: What do you mean by that?
E: we have to fix our last adventure dumbass
J: ???
E: were gonna time travel to make it way cooler, obs
J: Yeah, good luck with that.
E: oh the ignorance of youth
E: how i wish i could relive those days once more
J: LOL
E: god who types lol in caps
E: dumbasses only <3
J: Okay, goodnight.
E: goodnight
-The end-
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